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Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up

Trending story found on www.theonion.com
Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up
LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately, the brutal, harrowing killing of the man who put in such a riveting, harrowing appearance in First Reformed aligns completely with the violent crime surge that tends to build as we approach awards season, and Oscar-related torture–murders are certainly no exception,” said LAPD officer Aaron Lopez, who noted that while Hawke’s murder...
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